Short but sweet….I’m taking part in the Divine 12 Days of Christmas soon with these other wonderful authors. We’re going to tell you a little something about Christmas as we know it. Ring in the Festive Season with words of wisdom, tra la la….
I hope you pop down and see us between 8th and 19th December when we’ll have a multitude of giveaways, guest posts, fun and getting ready to celebrate the big fat guy with the button nose and white beard making an appearance.
In the true spirit of Christmas, I leave you with this. I used to have a really good friend called John who I adored. He unfortunately turned out to be not so adorable for reasons I won’t go into now. Suffice it to say, when we had good times, we used to write horrible things to each other in the spirit of fun. This was one of those fond memories from the year 2000. Yes, a very long time ago indeed. I wrote him a letter, he replied. I hope you get a chuckle out of it.
My letter to Santa aka friend John
Christmas, to me, is a time for giving, so I have put together a special list of things that I would like you to give me for Christmas.
- A 6 foot real Christmas tree complete with decorations and tree angel in your living room upon my arrival.
- Snow, snow and more snow. However, it must be kept white and clean and not turn to ugly grey sludge until I wish it away after Christmas.
- Plenty of cheerfully wrapped presents chosen especially for me by you, and catering to my rather indulgent needs. I leave this to your imagination.
- The best bedroom in the house, complete with fire place and down duvet. A fridge well stocked with goodies would be a optional extra but not absolutely necessary.
- A fox fur coat to keep me warm on those cold winter nights.
- A squirrel fur hat to keep my cute little ears warm.
- A group of specially chosen Carol Singers, all of the male variety, chosen for their obvious physical attributes and willing to wear very little in the cold night air as they serenade me outside your front door.
- A couple of spare reindeers, complete with sleigh, to take me on a ride over the snow covered fields, whilst I sip hot mulled wine and cuddle up against one of those carol singers (or two – I am not limiting you in any way. Feel free to improvise!)
I do hope, Santa, that this is not asking too much and if it is, well, I am sure that you will go out of your way to make me feel welcome. If you feel the need to substitute one item for another, I am sure (again) that you will not stray too much from my original request.
I hope you and Mrs. Santa have a lovely Christmas working your fingers to the bone for those people like me, and that you don’t forget a single item I have asked for, because, you know, I know where you live………….
Yours in Christmas spirit
John’s reply to me…
Christmas, to me, has always been a time for giving, however, I would find it difficult in meeting every item exactly as you have requested. It is not usual for me to reply to Santa letters but I felt it prudent to reply to yours. I refer to your list in the same order as requested:
- A 6 foot real plastic Christmas tree complete with meagre decorations in your living room upon your arrival. Sorry, we’re out of angels already for this Christmas – only got 729483956 left.
- Snow, snow and more snow. A strong possibility and as long as you stay inside it won’t turn to ugly grey sludge.
- Plenty of cheerfully wrapped empty boxes especially chosen for you to mirror your imagination.
- The best bedroom in the house with a well stocked fridge (we will put in a 6”, 9” and 12” for your devilish kinky indulgencies). Sorry, the fire-place is out – you will be in a smoke free zone.
- No fox fur coats this year. There has been too much negative media coverage of The Hunt in recent months.
- Sorry no squirrels, the little buggers are too quick for me…I’m not as young as I used to be.
- I put a copy of your photo on the internet (supplied to me by one, Sir John himself I’ll have you know) and managed to get a group of specially chosen Carol Singers, all of the male variety, as requested. I had to agree to let them sing in drag this year though.
- A couple of spare old dears, complete with most teeth/dentures, to take you on a ride wherever their breathe would hold out. I agree, you probably will have to get totally pissed on hot mulled wine before you would cuddle up against either the old geezers or the transvestites. Thank you for allowing me to improvise as this was difficult to arrange once I mentioned for whom it was for.
Of course it wasn’t asking too much, you selfish, poor excuse for an intelligent species. With regards to the straying, feel free to take a long walk off a short plank. Mrs. Claus (not Mrs Santa, that’s my first name you dumb blonde) and I will have a lovely Christmas knowing that if you take the walk as suggested this will be our last Christmas plagued by someone such like yourself.
Yours in Christmas spirit
- I don’t give a shit if you know where I live, I’ll set Mrs Claus on you if you manage to get past my polar bear pets.
See you at the Divine Blog Hop….